She cries in pain,

I know not,

if its her flesh or her heart

that drops tears, deep red.

A few loving words

was all she wanted.

You gave her instead

bitter dissapointment,

over and over again.

She wanted not your solutions,

or the ‘big gifts’

you showered on her,

but your time,

to show her  a little love

that you left unfullfilled.

She keeps trying

over and over again

to get your attention

and earn your love

even if it meant hurting herself

each time you shut her away.

Damn you,

scarred the soul of a child

who only wanted

love from you each day.

lying in wait,

for what

she does not know,

salvation?hope?

Just when you think that God has quit with the whole miracle idea to make people believe in him, he always fights back in those subtle ways that he has to make things right that completely freak you out.
From the begining of time, God sent prophets and they performed miracles…But miracles are so out now.They dont happen and people dont believe in thme or God for that mattter. We always come up with a rational or scientific idea to explain anything.
Today for the first time in my life God beat me at my own game, proved that he was smarter and showing me  that was the reason that he was god and i was just a mere mortal being.
If you have read my blogs, you’d kknow that i was going through hell at one point. And for that reason marriage seemed like the stupidest idea any decent person would even think of. But yet..here i am week after my wedding and still together.
Love, i never believed in and Men, i distrusted. But today..It hasnt changed but i feel a hell of a lot at ease than i have felt in a long time.
God personally gave me a miracle..a subtle one..not as dramatic as moses, or Jesus but just as good.
I was with a man i thought i would never understand and someone who would never understand me and here i realize that we have the one thing that we never thought we would have in common. Now, i know its confusing, but its the only thing that makes sense to me.
My story i felt it would complicate things. But the sense of relief that i feel is freaking awesome. And im awed at the greatness of god ..for listening to me and bringing someone like him in my life. After all who could understand me better than some one who was in the same situ as i was..Amazing..
Gos is bloody smart…

So she has come to this moment in life, the moment that every parent wishes for a daughter, a moment for a new begining, But is she ready?

A thousand questions arise in her mind?

Will this moment change her life for better or for worse?

She fears as she had feared before, this very moment that stares at her in her face.

Standing alone, a man she barely knows. Can she push aside her deepest fears?

Stranded in her little island she slowly immerses herself into the water. There’s no going back now.

The most terrible trial she is to face yet..patience and understanding, she prays for silently.

A couple of weeks down the road of the unknown..Much has changed. but still..a new set of fears have descended.

One thing i dont get is Happiness? How can this be estimated? 

Looking back at a few months, anything seemed possible…exhilaration rushed in my veins with every beat of my heart. A chesy smile plastered across her face. Spending evey minute of everyday with the one who was respnsible for it.

Having had to lose that, her eyes still pour.

They say it’s wrong to want too much.To expect much. This may be true in many ways.

Entering into a socialist world, for me personally is such a task. Expecting the worst I walked into one of the most powerful socialist countries in the world, China!

I guess I was expecting the cruelty and hardness from the same people from “The Tank Man” documentary. (For those of you who haven’t watched it, it’s a documentary you should watch). You learn to thank the little blessings in our country.

And not finding that I think it disappointed me a little bit. I found the people very nice and friendly. They are always a little confused and repeat one thing so many times that you want to rip their hair out.

I went walking last night and came across this place that looks a lot like Borella junction on Sundays. But the difference was the quality of the things. Not that it was really good quality, or maybe that’s my skepticism of buying things off the pavement talking. But I did take a manicure at the pavement though.

The things here were of designer labels. I must hand it to them for duplication. I don’t think anyone does such a good job at that than the Chinese.

What intrigues me about the people of this country is their eagerness to please and receive compliments. Especially the girls, they would just about do anything. This is not a bad thing I feel.  

Just as soon as I finished painting my nails I somehow managed to scratch the paint off on one finger. So I went back and that girl was sweet enough to do it again for me. If it was back at home, I would have spent one hour to do what she did in a ten minutes. And very neatly too. No slipshod work from the girls. (I can’t say the same for the opposite sex or for another manicure stall).

The only thing that’s really annoying is the fact that I can’t go anywhere without an interpreter. Everybody speaks in Chinese and I can’t even get a taxi without an interpreter. That sucks. We got into an unofficial taxi, (which look like a nikang car with the owner) and he gave change in apparently counterfeit money. This shocked the living daylights outta me. Not as easy living in Sri Lanka is it?

The mind. A beautiful gift? The endless stream of thoughts falls around you every second of every day. A reliable source of torture that you can inflict upon your self. Just dwelling on something awful will do a nice job.

But better than that, is dwelling on something that fills your heart with happiness that you have never before felt, the right words that lift you up in spirit you feel like twirling and letting the words linger, the thoughts of the perfect touch in the right way that makes you feel beautiful, the things you did, the songs we liked,the places we went with your smell on them all, these memories can kill a man from the inside real slow.

Regrets…the damnest thing on earth. Making a mistake knowing exactly what you’re doing that feels like pulling out a sword covered in flames stuck deeply inside your body and no matter how much you tug at it, its become a part of you.
It’s hard to say if that is better, when you are to blame but no one will put that blame on you because they love you too much for it. But more than anything you want the pain so it’s easier to forget when you hate. But all you find is a lot more love.
It’s funny how you try so hard NOT to do something and you end up doing just that.

An accepted method. A particular method to live the way you should. If you can live the way you want, what is a sacrifice then? and what is a compromise? Isn’t there some sacrifice, something you have to give up even when your’e compromising.
Why is that men feel that whatever they want is right and what a woman wants can be done without and unnecessary.

The need for idependance.The want for love. Is it wrong to want both. Why do men feel that a woman’s inpendance is dangerous? Is that the nature, the roles of each gender.
Why is that there are always more questions and no almost always no answers.

This year, started off on the wrong things that seemed completely correct at the time. Last year seemed to trigger a lot of these very irrational actions on this person who always thought deeply about things and actually felt was calming down…then change, after change.I dont recognize me anymore.
In just a year i,
*found a passion for writing…just about anything it seemed.
*discovered my actual parentage. It was diastrous! Changed every little perspective i had on life.I wanted to be the only person on earth then. But i was not given that liberty.
*I met this ‘friend’ who at first was kind and friendly beyond belief.. and then turned two faced!. This monstrous being, then turned eveything into a huge mess in my life.
*and right after that i found the perfect partner for life. He had the complete opposite effect on me to the person mentioned above.
*last year also made me deal with the absence of my comrades who left the island for their own battles. Nothing i ever did was fun enough without them.
*I went against my basic laws i had for myself…and fell in love! I didnt expect that the least. I didnt even believe in love for heavens sake! I was thinking it was anything but …love.But this guy was just magic! He was just perfect. He found pleasure in the most bizarre things i did. He liked to watch me eat! Funny right.And he would succumb to every need of mine. The most reasonable, rational person i had ever met.He spolit me rotten.But i loved it.
*And i let him go.The only regret i will ever have. My parents were not pleased with the guy. Torn betwen parents and the guy both whom i loved more than anything. I chose parents.*crosses fingers* Hope that would work out, for me.
*Now, with only a few more weeks till i tie the knot. Im pretty sure that marriage is the most difficult thing i am ever gonna do.The whole concept of living in with a guy. His habits , my habits..would they collide? Would i have to make a lot of changes in my habits? They are never ending.
A very good friend asked me to stop and look for myself..but i dont think the person i used to know is there anymore. There are so many changes i dont know where to begin.
Messaiah, you wanted me to write it all down..here it is. I hope it helps me aswell.
I wont forget though, that all this had me goining through a rocky phase which led m to attempt insane things like
* Smoking both tobacco, and grass. The former i found complelety useless for me, but the latter was funny, not good but funny. brought a lot of laughs ( literally):)
*had my first kiss.
*found good friends.
*crossed the road twice with my eyes closed. that was awesome!
*went to the Borella cymetary for the first time. I felt like i was stepping into a different time era.
*My friend gave me the best time during the dawn of the New Year. Thank you.

Holding on to the past. Its such a dirty habit but so many people hold on to things from their past dont they. like me. Maybe its a good thing, where it gives hope and courage. But maybe its a horrible thing that keeps you from moving on.

People hold on to memories of people and places or little memoirs that belong to a person.I knew of someone who keeps every little thing that his girlfriend didnt want. It freaked me out when i heard that for its strangeness and at the same time i wonder is it so strange?

We hold on to many things, just like photographs or videos. so is it really strange that he collects such objects? And in a weird way and i mean a really weird way its such an adorable thing.

The greatest thing above everything is just to love and be loved in return. Isnt that what brought the characters of Nicole kidman and Evan Mcgregor together in Moulin Rouge. But what about in the cruel reality? Things like that dont bring people together and when you have to part ways for whatever reasons.
Its so hard to let go. You end up screwing yourself with the memories.

Which in turn makes everything a lot worse. You end up emotionally charged about everylittle thing. And that is utterly embarrassing. Memories haunt you constantly and cutting all contacts with one person doesnt reallly stop them. Is that the easiest way to let go?  But what happens if you keeping holding on to that person though it would be the correct thing to do?

I have always loved the rain. The sound.The feel of rain drops on your head.The damp rainy smell that it leaves behind. The rain was always good.

Rain falls when it wishes and leaves just as fast or stays and causes havoc in the streets of Dehiwala, as this morning while i was walking to work. I felt like i was crossing streams and rivers. I was wlking on Hill street this morning and it was bloody chaos. 

The umbrella i was carrying served no purpose as the water that fell on the ground flowed like a bloody stream!!!And to make things worse residents have opened their rain drains to fall onto the pavements!!!Are there no laws that say you cant open your drains to fall onto the pavements where pedestrians are expected to walk? Whats worse,i had to choose whether i wanted to get splashed on like im under a waterfall by walking on the pavement or to dredge across the rapidly flowing stream by the edge of the road and get my feet, shoes and the bottom of my pants totally soaked.

Frustrated, wet and annoyed i finally walkonto Galle road to cross to the bus stand and there…A river. A river on Galle road! Twas formed by rainwater that has washed away god-know-what from god-knows-where!!!I had to cross it there was no way out.

Its a bad way to start a bloody Monday morning!!I dont think i like the rain anymore!!

The uncertainty of life. Makes it interesting and dangerous i think. Not knowing how things are going to work out in life because of a single decision you make is very upsetting. You think so much it feels like your brain is wearing itself out.

I made some of the toughest decisions inlife ever in the past couple of weeks. I had to give up someone i cared for dearly, sacrifice a passion for another’s happiness, risk the wrath of a lot of people, know of friend who dont understand and end up judging you and the question of what to tell and what not, and the biggest one….get committed to someone i dont know all that well.

I dont know if what ive done is correct but i damn well hope it is. The uncertainty drives me crazy.

Some people think they know everything there is to know about life!!!Its fucking annnoying!!I remember my sister before she got married. I always called her a ‘know-it-all’.Thats how our arguments would always end. I would always call her that and it always upset her, though she pretended otherwise. But that was years back and she’s changed her ways now.Thankgod. But then i met some one else…a lot worse than just a fucking ‘know-it -all’.If there was a worse word for that he would be it.

I dont know if there are others like him but he is of the kind who thinks they know everything under the sun. They judge people and sum them up after meeting them for a day. And all along claiming not to be judgemental or narrow minded. They are the kind that can talk shit about other people little of it being constructive but can never take anything when it’s at them. Even if they were constructive or not. They always believe they are right and leave no space for anyone else to say anything and even if someone does say something they would retort back with insults that are of the worst kind.

I mean i know other people who have much knowledge on things but they offer it with a sense of modesty and humility.Has the human race become so egocentric as to not give a damn about these?

I find it really pathetic that this know-it-all person is able to walk around like he owns the world,but all the while he is actuallly stuck in a his own facade of glory. Being just what he is soo afraid to become… a wannabe. And a pathetic one at that too. Dont they say that when you try soo hard not to become something, that you end up becoming just that? I feel that this is what has happened to this person i know.

At the beginnig i was just angry with him for being an ignorant, selfish arsehole,but now i just feel pity. He probably shuts out his conscience when he speaks or acts. What i cannot fathom is how my really good friend who normally doesn’t take shit from anyone can tolerate it. I respect her for that because it takes a lot of patience and endurance to bear with these people let alone go out with them.