Those perfect moments

The mind. A beautiful gift? The endless stream of thoughts falls around you every second of every day. A reliable source of torture that you can inflict upon your self. Just dwelling on something awful will do a nice job.

But better than that, is dwelling on something that fills your heart with happiness that you have never before felt, the right words that lift you up in spirit you feel like twirling and letting the words linger, the thoughts of the perfect touch in the right way that makes you feel beautiful, the things you did, the songs we liked,the places we went with your smell on them all, these memories can kill a man from the inside real slow.

Regrets…the damnest thing on earth. Making a mistake knowing exactly what you’re doing that feels like pulling out a sword covered in flames stuck deeply inside your body and no matter how much you tug at it, its become a part of you.
It’s hard to say if that is better, when you are to blame but no one will put that blame on you because they love you too much for it. But more than anything you want the pain so it’s easier to forget when you hate. But all you find is a lot more love.
It’s funny how you try so hard NOT to do something and you end up doing just that.

An accepted method. A particular method to live the way you should. If you can live the way you want, what is a sacrifice then? and what is a compromise? Isn’t there some sacrifice, something you have to give up even when your’e compromising.
Why is that men feel that whatever they want is right and what a woman wants can be done without and unnecessary.

The need for idependance.The want for love. Is it wrong to want both. Why do men feel that a woman’s inpendance is dangerous? Is that the nature, the roles of each gender.
Why is that there are always more questions and no almost always no answers.

Hell of a year!@

This year, started off on the wrong things that seemed completely correct at the time. Last year seemed to trigger a lot of these very irrational actions on this person who always thought deeply about things and actually felt was calming down…then change, after change.I dont recognize me anymore.
In just a year i,
*found a passion for writing…just about anything it seemed.
*discovered my actual parentage. It was diastrous! Changed every little perspective i had on life.I wanted to be the only person on earth then. But i was not given that liberty.
*I met this ‘friend’ who at first was kind and friendly beyond belief.. and then turned two faced!. This monstrous being, then turned eveything into a huge mess in my life.
*and right after that i found the perfect partner for life. He had the complete opposite effect on me to the person mentioned above.
*last year also made me deal with the absence of my comrades who left the island for their own battles. Nothing i ever did was fun enough without them.
*I went against my basic laws i had for myself…and fell in love! I didnt expect that the least. I didnt even believe in love for heavens sake! I was thinking it was anything but …love.But this guy was just magic! He was just perfect. He found pleasure in the most bizarre things i did. He liked to watch me eat! Funny right.And he would succumb to every need of mine. The most reasonable, rational person i had ever met.He spolit me rotten.But i loved it.
*And i let him go.The only regret i will ever have. My parents were not pleased with the guy. Torn betwen parents and the guy both whom i loved more than anything. I chose parents.*crosses fingers* Hope that would work out, for me.
*Now, with only a few more weeks till i tie the knot. Im pretty sure that marriage is the most difficult thing i am ever gonna do.The whole concept of living in with a guy. His habits , my habits..would they collide? Would i have to make a lot of changes in my habits? They are never ending.
A very good friend asked me to stop and look for myself..but i dont think the person i used to know is there anymore. There are so many changes i dont know where to begin.
Messaiah, you wanted me to write it all down..here it is. I hope it helps me aswell.
I wont forget though, that all this had me goining through a rocky phase which led m to attempt insane things like
* Smoking both tobacco, and grass. The former i found complelety useless for me, but the latter was funny, not good but funny. brought a lot of laughs ( literally):)
*had my first kiss.
*found good friends.
*crossed the road twice with my eyes closed. that was awesome!
*went to the Borella cymetary for the first time. I felt like i was stepping into a different time era.
*My friend gave me the best time during the dawn of the New Year. Thank you.